The sweetest thank-yous are often sugar-laced. We all love free cookies and cakes, right? (Mine’s a box of TimBits, FYI). Who in their right mind could reasonably reject gift-cards to a coffee shop, or a fresh-baked donut to say thanks? Probably the people who fix our teeth.

At least, that’s what they want you to think.

We all know dentists are the paragons of oral virtue, and as such, unfaltering in their mindful eating. Upholders of the great faith of perfect dental hygiene, their stoic dedication is, as we all know, incorruptible. However, recent studies have shown that, contrary to previous scientific consensus, dentists are 100% human, leading to the question: what about the cupcakes?

Obviously, dentists can never let the cat out of the bag; their reputation as erosion-free eaters must be maintained, as a model for patients to follow. So how do we reconcile the sweet-toothed humanity of the everyday dentist with the god-like symbol of oral-vice-free living they have come to represent?

We have the answers. Follow these simple rules, and you too can enjoy the sweet taste of freedom (and cupcakes) without alerting your patients.

1. Don’t talk about cupcakes.

It’s like Fight Club. Don’t talk about cupcakes. Or Fight Club. Both are secret things that are bad for your teeth. Shush!

2. Camouflage the cupcakes.

Dental-themed cupcakes are surprisingly popular. Grab a box of tooth-shaped joy bites, and no one will be the wiser! You’re not eating cupcakes. You’re … inspecting a tooth. A big, squishy one. With your mouth. Nom.

3. Fluoridate the frosting.

It’s not a cupcake, it’s a dental aid! Add enhanced icing to a mint-flavored bun, and you have every right to munch away on your delicious source of fluoride in plain view.

4. It’s always someone’s birthday.

Even dentists are allowed cupcakes as a birthday celebration. It just so happens you employ 365 staff, each born on a different day of the year. It would be rude not to!

5. Install a secret compartment.

A hidden compartment in a desk drawer is a time-honored way to hide contraband. Instead of bootlegged booze, your’s is stuffed with cupcakes. A wise choice, doctor.

6. Collect them at dental conferences.

Surrounded by your peers, you cannot be judged: it would be mutually-assured destruction. A great place to also find macarons, pastries, and other forbidden delights to stuff in, before racing to the public restroom to brush and rinse in shame.

7. Make them out of vegetables.

It can’t be bad if it’s made of zucchini and grated carrots. Right? Oh, and a little applesauce to sweeten. But fruit and vegetables are good, even in cupcake form! You are vindicated.

8. Hide them in supply boxes.

This is the eighth time you’ve been to the supply closet today. You may have a problem. It’s ok. No one can see you in here. You turn off the bulb hanging on a string, and huddle amongst the brooms. You eat your eighth cupcake in the dark.

9. Smuggle them in a retainer case.

You’ve heard of smuggling items in cakes – files, saws, bombs – but what about cupcakes smuggled in retainer cases? They’ll never guess!

Just make sure you never accidentally hand them out to patients.

10. Eat them under a surgical mask.

You spent five years at school learning to provide the best care possible. Multi-tasking can’t be that hard. As you turn to check your instrument array or inspect an X-Ray, simply slip the cupcake under your mask and into your eager mouth.

Your patients won’t notice the way your surgical mask moves in strange, chewing motions, as you perform a routine filling. Right?

11. Refer a friend to EasyMarkit.

Refer another office to EasyMarkit, and we’ll send you complimentary cupcakes as a thank-you. We use discreet packaging and deliver straight to your door. Follow one of the ten sneaky tips above to enjoy them in secret.

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